I’ve been reflecting on innocence lately, and how I cherish it so much in others. That sense of purity, that sense of lightness, that sense of goodness.
What made me appreciate it was seeing someone posting on Facebook who I used to be really close with. Someone who I see as innocent, as pure, as successful, as GOOD.
And what was triggered in me was a sense of sadness. I felt a pang in my heart when I saw him, not just because we were no longer friends friends, but because I felt we were no longer friends because of who I was for a while there.
I felt triggered because I felt I lost my innocence along my path; like I had been innocent, pure and good, and through the course of my journey and through the fogginess of substance abuse, I had tainted that.
I thought back to the last time we saw each other in 2017 and I felt shame sweep through my body. I was high at the time and pretending I wasn’t.
At that point in time I’d architected enough of my personality to include my dependency in the hope that those closest to me wouldn’t see. Where I was once more Type A, I became more “go with the flow”, I talked faster, I interjected with random tangents, I wore more tie-dye, I was more passionate (dilated pupils means passion right?…) in the hopes that they would say “oh, that’s just how she is.”
No. I was just high.
And now when I see him pop up on my phone – in my newsfeed but no longer in my messages – I feel a pang of sadness.
But I know now that it’s not him I’m grieving per say. It’s the version of me I was before I “fell”. The version of me that felt easier to love because I hadn’t seen myself do what I did.
Now I’ve had to learn unconditional love and unconditional self-acceptance, because if my love did have conditions then I would never meet them.
I’m no longer that version of me I once was; either of them.
I’m not innocent and pure and shiny like I once was.
Nor am I high and shameful and ecstatic and guilty.
I’ve become someone else. Someone who holds both versions within me and, at the same time, is neither.
But I’ve slowly learnt to see the innocence and purity in my darkness. I’m learning that light looks like many things, some of which is murky and gritty and icky and sticky.
And I’m finding peace where there once was pain. Peace; that we’re no longer friends friends. Peace; that I lost that privilege through who I became for a while there.
Peace; that this was the journey of gaining grit and wisdom that was hard earned. And that maybe… I’m actually better now.
Maybe I’m more innocent and pure and good, because I became the opposite and knew it wasn’t meant for me. I could’ve stayed in that place but every cell in my body was pulling me back to my homeostasis as a source of love in this world.
I’m at a place now where I understand that often the person we came here to be requires us to sacrifice along the way; sometimes friends, sometimes careers, sometimes money, sometimes – and often – the people we once were.
My ego wishes things were different, but my soul is in love with the growth and the grit and the experience and the real felt wisdom I couldn’t have received through success and getting it all right.
I wanted to share this vulnerable piece of my heart in the hope that, if you too are harbouring pieces of pain from your past, that I see you and I feel you, and I love that we are both growing – one heart tear at a time.
Life is happening for us, not just to us; especially when it feels uncomfortable ❤
Humaning 
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