This Humaning thing.

This whole ‘Humaning’ thing started on the hospital floor, though I didn’t know it at the time.

My mum had just had a brain tumour the size of a tangerine removed and when she was wheeled out, I was so *RELIEVED* that I passed out, knocked my head on the floor and was concussed.

So my mum spent her first night after surgery worried about her baby girl in A&E.

I had spent months having a “positive mindset” about her tumour.

And side tangent: because a psychic had told her many years prior that she would have a health scare “like a lightning bolt to the head” but that she would be ok, I spiritually bypassed all the normal human fears that come when you’re 26 and your mum may die.

I was so paranoid about manifesting a negative outcome with my thoughts, any time a fearful thought arose I pushed it down. And like a skinny armed gamer wrestling a crocodile, it just. Kept. Coming. Back. Up.

Deny. Deny. Deny.

“Don’t give it power. Don’t give it power. Don’t give it power.”

I was so afraid of my fear and my “low vibe” emotions that I unknowingly gave them powers. And in the darkness of my unconscious, they remained very much alive; plotting the coup that would result in my literal downfall that night.

Because when I was 21, I learnt something that would change the course of my entire existence.

In a dingy corner of my dad’s man cave I found a book that looked like the wet dream of an 80s sci-fi novel. It was called ‘Mind Power’ by John Kehoe, and it was utterly brilliant.

I learnt a lot, but it felt more like *remembrance*. Like I was tapping back into ancient knowledge I knew somewhere deep in my cells.

My search for that knowledge had led me to Catholic school many years prior, but I didn’t find it there. It was the same search that made me yearn to be a part of the magical world, though my letter to Hogwarts never came.

But then I found it, hiding in plain sight in my dad’s mancave. The answers I had been unknowingly searching for my entire life finally laid bare.

I learnt that my inner world was not just a reflection of the “real world”. That in fact my primary reality was within me and it was CREATIVE. That thoughts were things and they interacted with the energy grid of life. That I could create my reality, and in fact had ALWAYS had been creating my reality but unknowingly. I’d been creating my life and myself unconsciously.

What I learned that day changed my life.

I started to apply it. I started to feel powerful. I started to consciously create myself and my life.

I learnt that positive thoughts and a positive mental image of what you desire, accompanied with positive emotion magnetised the thing you want. That you didn’t need to *DO* anything per say; and for a kid who had been called “lazy” most of her life that was magic to my ears.

I became confident in myself and confident in my body. Having spent most of my teenage years deeply uncomfortable with the way my thighs touched and the dimples they had, I’d been deeply insecure and DEEPLY in denial about it.

Because strong, smart, independent women didn’t have body insecurities… Strong, smart, independent women didn’t care for such “superficial” things…

Deny. Deny. Deny.

Now all of this logic about positive thoughts, positive images and positive feelings I am fully behind. I really do believe in this, still to this day.

HOWEVER, there was a crucial bit of information I was either never told or conveniently overlooked.

And that is that feelings are meant to be FELT.

Feelings are meant to be FELT.

But I was paranoid about negative emotions touching the side, lest I manifest something I didn’t want, so any time I would feel… oh I don’t know… HUMAN, I would perform a dogpile in my mind of “high vibe” thoughts.

Because if feelings are physiological responses to the thoughts we think (which was my catchphrase at the time) then I didn’t need to stand for that lesser nonsense. I wasn’t going to be a straight up muggle when I could bypass that shit.

I believe now that all emotions have value when they are felt in the present moment.

Emotions can alchemise us; they can create profound clarity and insight. Emotions clarify our values and let us know when a person or situation crosses them. Emotions can be MEDICINE; transmuting us from who we were into who we want to be from the inside-out.

Emotions are POWERFUL. And if we ignore that power and pretend like the very real physiological feelings in us don’t exist, they don’t just disappear through a trap door in the floor – they lurk in our unconscious and body, waiting for their opportunity to finally be felt.

So I’d been piling up yeeeeaaars of emotions I was too afraid to feel.

That heart break I went through? Girl, don’t even worry about it. My dwindling bank account and needing to pay rent? Not even. That man I was in love with who wasn’t in a position to love me back? Don’t even go there.

This is how dumb I was:

I literally endorsed and supported, what would eventually become an addiction, because I thought “I feel happy when I smoke weed. And happy thoughts and emotions lead to happy results so this is a better choice than feeling low vibe”

So anytime I felt a crunchy emotion I would sooner snuff it down in a heap of smoke then feel it. I actually thought it was a smarter strategy. I actually thought it was me “being in alignment”.

Like, WHAT?!

Can we all laugh heartily now about my poor life decisions?

But that was the reality I was in; feeling like I was on the frontline of this manifestation stuff that there was little information about. Or perhaps there was, but it was blind to me. It seems I often need to learn through experience, which is often translated for me as the hard way; and this was something I learned hard.

So this is reason number 104988230 why I’m obsessed with Humaning; or whatever you want to call it.

Oftentimes just when I think I understand us and how we operate I am utterly humbled. Sometimes on fifth floor lino at Wellington Hospital, other times in little moments in my journal.

After 17 years of actively trying to understand it I feel like I’m JUST getting started.

I will never stop seeking to understand what’s going on here. It is my life’s work. And if nothing else, a wonderful thing to wonder as we spin on a rock in space.